Thank you for stopping by my blog. It has been awhile. Life happened. I am in the process of redoing my blog and updating it. Lately I have been just posting my book reviews here. I will be adding to that occasionally. Like today. I'm going to share a short story I wrote. I like Pinterest...okay maybe like is a weak word. I think most of us can get sucked into that site and need help to leave. It just is an amazing wealth of sharing information and ideas. One of the things I love are all the writing ideas. This story was written off of one of the writing prompts. Some friends and I tossed out challenges we found on there. This was mine. I hope you like it. It has not been edited. Sorry. First time sharing my writing with the public so I am truly nervous. I really do hope you find something of value in it.
Warning: It is not an easy topic nor is it meant for children. There is violence. There may be domestic violence triggers.
The following story is owned entirely by Alaskan Book Cafe. I am the sole writer of this story.
It's Okay. You Don't Have To Love Me.
“It's okay. You don't have to love me.” The
thought kept blasting through her mind. She wanted to shout it out loud. She
wanted to scream it. To whisper it. Anything to take the gun away. How did
things get to this point?
She was a single mother. The struggle was
real. With three kids you'd think she couldn't possibly be lonely. But there it was.
Not just at night, when the kids were tucked into bed, sleeping soundly. The
loneliness was there in the morning when she drank her coffee, smoking the
first cigarette of the day. She would wake the children up to get them dressed,
fed, and ready for the walk to school. She sat at the table with the children,
feeding the baby and thinking about being alone. She would imagine the
conversation they could have.
How he would put his hand on her oldest
daughter's head and ruffle her hair, saying, “Good morning”. He would drop a kiss
on the head of the baby and tweak the cheek of the toddler. Then he would kiss
her and look into her eyes, “Good morning Baby”. She would get him a cup of
coffee and his breakfast. They would talk about nothing or possibly everything,
before each left to finish their day. He would go off to work, kissing everyone
goodbye, of course. She would put the baby in a car seat, the toddler in a
booster and the oldest in the seat between them. She would drive to the school
dropping off one and then do all the things moms lucky enough to stay home
do. The fantasy could go one forever
except that the baby wanted down, the toddler wanted to play, the oldest wasn't
sure she finished all her homework and she had an hour to get them all ready
and out the door in order to be at work on time. She wouldn't be able to get in
another smoke until after she dropped the kids off, either. Bubble burst, time
to move it.
She enjoyed the walk to work. She loved her
children, but the walk to and from work were her time. She smoked another
cigarette and enjoyed the feeling of freedom. That ended in about 15 minutes
when she entered the store to punch in. She really was grateful for the job. It
was close to home and the hours worked for the children. Most of all it paid
the bills, though she still had to rely on food stamps to feed those children.
She dreamed of the day when she would be
able to pay for the groceries, too. It didn't matter to her that almost
everyone who passed through her checkout used food stamps. It still embarrassed
her to use them, like she was admitting she was too stupid to feed her own
children.
It was while she was checking out the cat lady
when she first saw him. She was half listening to the cat lady drone on about
what finicky eaters her cats were, passing the food tins over the scanner when
she noticed him in the lane over. He wasn't anything truly special when you
thought about it.
Average height, he had a bit of a tummy on
him. Not really fat, you could just tell he wasn't doing any sit ups. Dark
hair, dark eyes, and dazzling white teeth. She only noticed him because he was
someone new. He looked over and quickly changed lanes. She figured it was
because she was handing cat lady her receipt. In her mind, even Average Joe's
were out of her league.
“Hi,” she said. “Thank you for shopping the
Mercado. Did you find everything?”
He hit her with a smile that lit up the store.
“I have now.” he flirted with her.
She smiled and blushed, not sure what to say
back. Flirting was something that came easy only in fantasies.
He looked at her name tag and said, “Blue? Is
that a nickname?”
She hated her name. Her mom use to tell people
it was either her love of blue eyes or her love of the blues that made her name
her only daughter Blue. Since she did not have blue eyes and the blues were, in
her opinion, what you listened to when your troubles overwhelmed you, neither
explanation helped her self esteem. Figuring the blues story would elicit less
sympathy she went with it.
“No. My mom loved the blues so she named me
Blue.”
“It fits you because if you say no to a date,
I'll have the blues.”
Even though she hated when men said similar
things, she giggled at him. Somehow it was acceptable from him. She tried to
think of something to say. Something clever that would let him know she was
interested even as she turned him down. There was no way she could afford a
babysitter. With no choices she could see, she sighed.
“I'm sorry.”
He smiled a sad smile and said, “I figured a
pretty girl like you would be taken. I had to chance it though.”
Blue laughed. He made her feel so good.
“I'm only taken by children,” she said.
“Really? Well it will have to be a family date
then. When is your day off?”
Blue couldn't believe what she was hearing.
But then a scary thought entered her mind. What if he was one of those kind of
men? You know. The ones who “like” children too much. How do you tell? She
smiled a nervous smile and said she didn't even know his name. Taking his
groceries, he told her his name was Rey and that he would be back every day
until she said yes.
He was true to his word.
Six months later they married. Six months and
one day marked the first time he was so sorry for hitting her.
It wouldn't have happened if she didn't make
him jealous talking to men in her checkout line. Nine months and she got her
fantasy of being a stay at home mom. The only thing was it turned out to be
nothing like her fantasy. A year went by and she couldn't tell you how she came
to be in the position she was in, much less come up with a safe way out.
Then came the day she was downstairs doing
laundry. Jacelyn was napping in her bed and Justin had fallen asleep on the
couch. She had left him there. She knew better than to wake a sleeping toddler.
She heard someone walk across the floor and hurried upstairs. An anger she
didn't know she possessed rose up even as she had never felt so sick in her
life. In all the times he had struck her, she never imagined he would lift a
hand to her children. Yet there he was, with his hand over her terrified son's
mouth and nose, his other hand pressing down on his little chest. He didn't
seem to notice Justin's tiny hands and feet beating at him as he tried to
breathe. He also didn't seem to notice Blue as she raced at him, with the
skillet she had grabbed from the stove as she ran past. She hit him as hard as
she could. It was enough to make him let go of Justin. She snatched him up
screaming for Rey to get the fuck out. Amazingly, Rey thought he was going to
talk his way out of it. He started off telling her it wasn't what she thought.
He loved the kids. She just kept commanding. “Get the fuck out!” until he did.
After making sure both Justin and Jacelyn were
fine, Blue looked up a number for battered women. There was no way he was
coming back. She no longer cared about being lonely. She had discovered there
were far worse things you could be. She called the number and made an
appointment for the next morning with an attorney who worked with them. The
woman she spoke with strongly suggested Blue call the police to make a report.
Blue hung up and noticed it was time to pick up JoAnna from school.
Walking to and from the school, Blue kept
going over everything that had happened. She kept thinking that if she called
the police she would be blamed for not protecting her children. In the end
though, she was more terrified he would return. So sucking up all her fears,
she called the police and made the report. Sitting in the ER while the doctors
made sure the children were okay and the police took photos of the bruises that
were forming, Blue blamed herself. That guilt and fear stayed with her far
longer than her anger, insuring she did not back out of court dates.
Filing for the divorce turned out to be easier
than she ever imagined.
That brought her and the children to where
they now were, sitting in the kitchen with a gun pointed at them.
They had just returned from attending a
Christmas party at the women and children's center. Kay, who had driven them
home, had just left. Blue was in Justin's room taking off his snowsuit, when
she heard the knock. She heard JoAnna call out that Kay was back. She walked
out in time to see JoAnna scrambling back from the open door that Rey was
walking through. Rey holding a gun and telling JoAnna to take Jacelyn into the
kitchen. Rey holding a gun and telling Blue to sit on the kitchen chair with
Justin. Rey throwing the papers at her. Blue watching the divorce papers hit
the floor, noting the order of protection on top.
She thought to herself, no protection now.
On top of that thought was, I did this. She watched as he unloaded the
gun and showed them all the bullets he was replacing were real. She wanted to
do something, anything, to get her children out of there but couldn't figure
out how.
Her daughters were frozen with fear. She knew,
even if she were able to tell them to run, they wouldn't be able to. The
thought that she did this kept repeating in her mind. She prayed, making deals
with a God she wasn't sure was listening. She promised if they lived she would
live lonely the rest of her life, happily. It was a stupid deal, she knew, but
the only one she could think of. All the while Rey was softly, but deadly
serious, saying, “no divorce. I love you.” when she finally focused on what he
was saying, she wanted to scream back, “It's okay! You don't have to love me!”
Terror kept her quiet, though. Then the gun
filling her mouth left no room for words. Rey told her to leave Justin on the
floor and get up. With no options open, she did as she was told. He walked Blue
to the bedroom, telling the children, “Go to bed!” Blue prayed, thanking God
her children would not have to see her die and begging Him to save them.
In the bedroom, Rey told her to get on her
knees. He kept the gun in her mouth, crouching down in front of her. Softly, he
kept telling her that he loved her. He told her this was all her fault, He gave
her all his love and she refused it, trying to get a divorce. The soft way he
was speaking somehow sounding more menacing than if he were yelling at her.
Hours went by with no change. The sun was
rising and Blue couldn't handle it anymore.
She cried, “Just pull the trigger! Just do
it.”
Rey looked into her eyes for several minutes.
Blue looked back through her tears, meaning, in that moment, every word she
said. Rey sighed and removed the gun from her mouth. He caressed her cheek with
the barrel and then turned and walked out.
Blue flew to the bedroom door, intent on
finding her children. She didn't have far to go. The three of them sat next to
the door.
JoAnna, dry-eyed but red-faced from crying,
tracks streaking her face, said, “He's gone. We waited for the gun to go off.”
Blue collapsed on the floor, wrapping her arms
and legs around her babies, kept repeating, “I'm so sorry.” After a moment she
picked up the phone and called 911. Then she called Kay. She knew they had a
long road ahead of them.
Fin
