A few weeks ago, I decided to share a
short story I had written. After writing about Blue I was a bit haunted by her daughter, JoAnna. I wrote her story as a separate yet connected piece. I don't know if I should continue this or just let it end here. Maybe I should just pick another prompt and move on. If you would like to help me decide, please leave a comment, (approval needed due to spam - sorry), tweet one, (@AlaskanBookCafe), or shoot me an email at alaskanbookcafe@gmail.com with the subject short story. Please be advised that the story deals with a mature theme that may be difficult. It is a story of domestic violence, family violence, child abuse. Domestic violence is usually thought of as being a couple issue. In my eyes, domestic is another word for home and home can consist of more than just a couple. For me, domestic violence is a family issue.You are fooling yourself if you believe only the adults are involved.
If you are in a domestic violence situation, I urge you to call the hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or go to
The National Domestic Violence Hotline website where a chat is available along with information. (thehotline.org I cannot link it so please type it in your browser). Leaving is difficult and dangerous. Please talk to someone who can help you.
Warning: It is not an easy topic nor is it meant for children. There is violence. There may be domestic violence triggers.
The following story is owned entirely by Alaskan Book Cafe. I am the sole writer of this story.
JoAnna's Story
My name is JoAnna. I am twenty five. I have
brown hair and green eyes. My hair is curly but I take the time to straighten
it. It falls to just past my shoulders when curly but nearly to my waist when
straight. I am 5'5 and weigh 135 pounds. I watch what I eat and exercise but I
am not obsessed. I have gone to college. I was a high school cheerleader. I was
a babysitter, a cashier at McDonald's and throughout college, I was a waitress
at Cracker Barrel. I now work for Children's Services. I like to dance, hike,
and ride horses. I drive a jeep so I can go muddin' in it. I collect fairies. I
wish upon stars and birthday candles. I have a boyfriend. He wants to marry me.
I have a mom, a brother and a sister. I never really got to know my father. I
had a stepfather. Now you know who I am. This is my story.
I don't have a lot of memories of my dad. He
was there when I was little. He went away after Justin was born. When I was
little I didn't know why. I do now. My dad wasn't really into kids. He liked
them best when they belonged to another family. Don't take that wrong. He loved
me when I was little. He just didn't think he should have a bunch of kids he
would either work hard to support and never know or know them and watch them
grow up poor. My mom, though, she thought having kids made a family. There more
kids there were, the less chance anybody could walk away. I guess that came
from her mom. My grandma had two kids when my grandpa found someone with no
kids and left. I'm pretty sure it wasn't really like that. Honestly though, the
only part that matters is how my mom perceived it to be. That perception was
what influenced her. My mom was pregnant with me when they married. I have
wondered if my dad would have married her if she wasn't.
I have been told my dad was happy when I was
born. That he loved me and was proud to be a dad. My Aunt Margie said I was the
only one he wanted.
“If only your mother would have listened to
him and just had you, your father would be here today,” Aunt Margie would
start.
She always made sure to say that she loved
Jacelyn and Justin. I suppose she did. It's possible though she just loved
Jacelyn and me.
“It was what happened with Justin. That was
why we lost your daddy!” She would cry then.
She was usually drunk at this point. She was
mad at my mom because when my dad left us, he left everyone. Her and her
parents were included in that everyone. Her drinking and crying would loosen
her tongue up. I was ten, when I learned Justin had a different daddy. I also
knew that my dad knew that. The way Aunt Margie told it, my dad wasn't about to
have another child after Jacelyn was born. He wasn't ready for her.
After I was a year old my mom started hinting
that she was ready to give me a brother. My dad, so the story goes, kept
telling her to wait until things were better. He wanted job security and a home
he owned. Mom wanted a baby and husband security. Neither one really won that
war.
So they had Jacelyn. Aunt Margie said my dad
was proud and loving again. Unfortunately he was also worried about the future
and all of us depending on him. When Jace was a year old, Mom started the
hinting again. Dad told her no way. Then, without telling anybody, my dad took
care of things himself.
He went to the
doctor had a vasectomy done. Aunt Margie said when he came home, he told
everyone he came down with a stomach virus at work and needed to go lie down.
He took a couple sick days and then life returned to normal. He went to work
and my mom kept seeking another baby.
Aunt Margie said the day mom told him she was
pregnant was the darkest day in that marriage. Mom had left Jace and me
downstairs with my dad's mom to go to the doctor. When she got back she was
glowing and excited.
“Iris, could you keep the girls over tonight?
I have some real happy news for Jackson. I'd like to make him a special dinner
and have some alone time, please. Please, Iris? Just for tonight okay?” Mom
pleaded.
Grandma was reluctant but gave in, “Fine
Blue. But you come get the girls as soon as Jackson goes to work in the
morning.”
Mom went upstairs. We could hear her in the
kitchen. Grandma looked at Aunt Margie. “That gal is crazy! There's not going
to be any happiness in that house tonight!”
No one suspected just how bad the news was going to be though.
We were sitting at the dinner table eating a
special dinner my grandma made us; fish sticks, macaroni and cheese and peas
with carrots. Grandma even made biscuits. It was my favorite. Jace liked it
too.
“Might as well make the girls a special meal
too,” Grandma had told Aunt Margie. “If the news is what I think it is, no
telling when things will settle down for them.” Aunt Margie replied, “I guess a
peach cobbler would be nice. It will stretch that little bit of ice cream we
have so that everybody can get some.” I don't think anyone got to eat that.
We were just getting ready for dessert when a
roar like you can't imagine came through the ceiling. It was followed by
breaking glass and a loud thud. Turned out the loud thud was the table hitting
the floor. My dad turned it over when my mom gave him the happy news that
somebody was going to be a daddy. I'll say this for her, she didn't lie.
Somebody was, just not my dad.
Aunt Margie, eyes wide, asked my grandpa, “should we go up there?”
“Nope. Blue knew Jackson didn't want any more
children. What the hell was that woman thinking?” Grandpa was a great believer
in folks settling their own problems.
We could hear the yelling getting louder.
Grandma was crying. She kept repeating, “Lord watch over my son. Help him
accept this new baby.” I guess by then they knew what my mom's news was even
though she didn't get to tell them. I guess, too, she should have been praying
for my mom. Maybe grandma just figured Mom has her own mom to say prayers. We
heard some more thuds, like Daddy was hitting the walls. Then there was running
feet and screaming. The door upstairs opened but slammed shut right after. Then
things went real quiet and everybody was looking at the ceiling. It's weird how
you think you can determine what is happening by looking at a ceiling.
“I'm going up there!”, Aunt Margie
insisted.
Grandma took us girls and knelt in front of
the couch. “We need to pray real hard, girls, so God will hear us.” I don't
know. Maybe God was busy or just mad at my mom.
The next thing we heard Aunt Margie scream to call an ambulance and
Grandpa was yelling. I'm not sure at who. I don't even know what he was
yelling. I just remember being scared there was a monster upstairs.
When the ambulance came they took my mom to the hospital and the police
took my dad to jail. That was the last time I saw him.
The next day, Aunt Margie took Jace and me to my other grandmother's
house. That was the last time I saw my dad's parents. Aunt Margie would come
visit us but always alone.
Life moved along after we moved to my other
grandma's house. It wasn't long until my mom and her mom started getting into
arguments. After Justin was born, mom got a job at The Mercado and we moved
to,”The Little Village”. I started school . We were poor but so was everyone
else in the neighborhood. Then Mom met Rey and our lives changed again.
It seems like one moment it was Mom and us
kids and the next we were, “the happy family.” Even after Rey began hitting
Mom, she kept calling us the, “happy family.” It was like she believed we
weren't a family if there wasn't a man. I guess that is really why I never told
her about Rey. Oh, he definitely scared me. He would come in to use the
bathroom when I was in the tub. The first time he did it, he just used the
bathroom and then left. Before he opened the door he stopped a moment.
“I really had to pee, JoAnna. You know how it
is when you can't wait.” He winked at me. “Don't go telling your mom. If she
gets upset, I'll have to spank her.” Rey could spank pretty hard.
The next time he came in, he peed and then stood
there. After a minute I heard him.
“Want to see what Daddies look like? I don't
want you to be scared when you get married. It would upset your Mom if you
were”
I thought quickly about that. I knew I was
suppose to get married. That was the most important thing about being a mommy.
I didn't want to be scared and I definitely didn't want Mom upset,so I said
okay.
Things just got worse from there. Rey never
did more than having some touching going on but it made me feel sick. I didn't
understand why Rey wanted this. If all daddies did that, like he said, then why
couldn't I talk about it? Why would Mom be upset? Why wouldn't we be a “happy
family” anymore?
I know now that I should have told her. We
ended up not being a “happy family” after all. Even today, as an adult with an
education in child abuse, I still felt, deep down, it was my fault. Rey hurt
Justin and Mom saw it. For a long time I thought he did to Justin what he did
to me. I guess that is where the guilt comes from. Mom kicked Rey out and filed
for divorce. Then Rey came back.
We had gone to the Christmas party at the
shelter for battered women and children. It was so much fun. Since Rey left we
went to the shelter a couple nights a week. Mom went into a room with other
mom's. On Tuesday night Jace and I went into a room with art supplies and long
tables. Justin went into a room filled with toys. Both rooms had other kids in
them. Thursdays we went into a room with toys but it was just us three with a
lady who watched us play. Sometimes she asked what we were playing. Sometimes
she joined us. All the time she watched us. The party was different. It was
like Tuesday night but better.
The art room was decorated with lights and a
Christmas tree. There was a big chair by the tree. The long tables had red and
green tablecloths and were laden with all kinds of food. I remember there was a
big disposable pan filled with macaroni and cheese. It made me think about the
last time I saw my dad. Mom asked if I wanted some but I said no. I haven't
eaten mac and cheese, or fish sticks, since that day. I still don't. There was
plenty of other food though. Things like ham slices, potatoes, candied carrots,
sweet potatoes with a crunchy sweet topping, rolls and fun stuff, like pizza
and hot dogs. One of the tables held nothing but cookies! I had never seen so
many different cookies before. Mom fixed us all plates and then we went to sit
with Kay.
Kay was one of the art teachers. I liked her a
lot. She always had fun ideas and liked everyone's art work. She had given us a
ride to the party and would take us home. We ate. We played. We ate cookies.
Then the big moment came. Santa! He was there with a couple of bags of gifts. I
couldn't believe it! We weren't even asleep! We sang songs with Santa and then
everyone got a gift, even the mom's. After that we went home. We were only
there a minute when there was a knock.
“Kay!” I screamed, running for the door.
“Kay's back!”
I saw my mom coming out of the bedroom but I
didn't wait for her. I flung open the door and there was Rey. He had a gun like
cowboys use and he pointed it at me.
“Let's go in the house,” he said, calmly.
I was afraid to turn around so I backed into
the room. I kept staring at that gun. I knew this was bad.
“Get Jacelyn. We're going in the kitchen with
your mom.”
Mommy was in the kitchen standing with Justin.
She was crying but I don't know if she knew it. She never wiped her eyes or her
cheeks. I wondered if I was crying like that.
“Sit down.” Rey told Mommy pointing the gun at
her and Justin. He waved the gun at me and Jace. “Stand next to your mom.” I
didn't understand it. He was talking so softly, like he wasn't even mad. Except
he had the gun. He threw a bunch of paper on the floor in front of Mommy.
“No divorce. I love you. I love the kids.
We're a happy family.” Rey kept saying that over and over. He said it softly,
with no anger. He said while he emptied the gun and then showed us each bullet.
“Blue.” One bullet in. “JoAnna.” Two bullets
in. “Jacelyn.” “Justin.” Three and four. “Rey.” Five. “Just in case.” The
remaining ones. “I love you, Blue.” “We're a happy family.” The gun went in
Mommy's mouth.
“Please God. Please” I didn't know what
else to say. Save us? Save Mommy? Don't let me puke? Don't let me pee? He
might get mad. That's it! “Please God. Don't let him get mad.” He
didn't sound mad. Maybe he needed to be mad to pull the trigger. “Oh God.
What do I do? Help us. I'll be good. He can touch me God. All he wants. I'll
never say no. I promise. I'll be a good girl. I'll never be a problem to
anyone. I won't fight. I'll be quiet. I promise you God. I'll be the best.” Wait!
What happened? Why is Mommy putting Justin on the floor?
“Go to bed. Take Justin and Jacelyn with you.”
Rey is looking at me but Mommy is standing and he still has the gun in her
mouth. What's happening now? Rey pushes Mommy toward her room.
“Let's go Blue. The kids are going
to bed.” Rey tells Mommy like it is any normal night.
Except it's not. He isn't suppose to be here.
Kay said he couldn't come back. What happened? Where are the police? Kay said
the police would come. But they aren't here and Mommy is going to die. I don't
know what to do. 'I want my Mommy, God. I told you I'll be a good girl'”
I can't leave Mommy alone. “Mommy will
die if I leave. I have to be a big girl now. It's all my fault. I should have
been a good girl. I'll be good now, God. I promise.”
I sit down next to Mommy's door. I put Justin
in my lap and pull Jacelyn as close as I can.
“If we sit here quietly, then Mommy won't
die.” I keep repeating it to them even though I know I'm lying. There is going
to be a big boom and Mommy will be dead. Then we will die, too. I guess Rey
will go last even though I wish he would go first. But I keep repeating it to
Jace and Justin like a mantra of safety. We wait to hear the gun. I don't cry
because I'm a big girl. I think I am though. My face feels hot and wet like
when I get hurt and I cry. Please don't let us die. I'll never cry again. I'll
be good. I'll do whatever he says. I won't cry. I'll be a good girl. I don't
want to hear the gun, God.
I still don't know how my mouth can say one
thing while my mind pleads another.
It feels like forever since I saw Mommy. I
wonder if she is still alive. Did I miss the gun sound? It's getting light out.
Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Help us! The door is opening! Please be
Mommy!
Rey comes out of the bedroom. He still has
the gun but not my mommy! He doesn't even look at us. Maybe he thinks we
are in bed? I watch him leave out the front door. I want to go see Mommy
but I'm scared she will be bloody and asleep. Please God. Please God.
My mommy comes out the door! She isn't
dead! Oh Thank You! Thank you! I remember. I'll be good.
“He's gone. We waited for the gun to go off.”
I tell Mommy.
Mommy is holding us. It feels so good. I never
want her to let go.
“I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry,” Now
Mommy is repeating. Maybe she made a promise with God too.
“JoAnna, wash your face Honey. Mommy has to
make some calls.”
I wash my face. The police come. So
does Kay.
After that happened, it was always
just Mom, Jace, Justin and me. If my mom had a boyfriend we never met him. We
went to school, to art class and to play at the shelter. Time passed and we
grew up. I never told Mom about Rey and me. I never told anyone until I told
you. Jace, Justin and I never talk about that night. I don't know if Jace
remembers. I am pretty sure Justin was too young.
I remember the promises I made that night. I keep
them. I hold them tight. I am afraid that if I don't God will not keep us safe.
I am a good girl. I do what I'm told. If
someone wants to touch me, I don't stop them. I don't feel it. I don't tell. I
never say no. I don't cry. I don't
argue. I don't fight. I keep us all safe.
I have a boyfriend. He wants to marry me. He
doesn't know how damaged I am.
I want to tell him, “It's okay. You don't
have to love me. I prefer that you don't.”
Softly, I say, “yes.”
fin
Summer Love Puppy by Rachelle Ayala
